Simple Little Memories - One Great Big Life

You were the first to tell me about the dice gods, and the ways in which individual dice could be trained for better outcomes. I will always remember sitting in your room and looking at your twenties and twelves and even your sixes or fours, pondering them as if these inanimate pieces of plastic really did have souls. That they could - in fact - be taught and trained. You have had such an impact on my life that even now I cannot look at dice without thinking of them as if they are alive, the living conduits of chance and story. What wild and silly nerds we were.

You were the first to teach me about bulletin board systems and the slowly growing internet back in the days when a 28.8 bps modem was considered impressive and a 56.6 was almost as amazing as the notion of a flying automobile. I still remember our late night secret chat sessions which would last so long into the night - telling stories that were saturated with heroism and honor and family all thanks to your desire to see such values expressed - long before the days when an instant messager had even been considered. But more importantly than that? You gave to me a wealth of memories from a friendship that even now makes me grin and laugh outrageously during the most awkward moments, you gave so much love to the world and cultivated so much happiness in those who loved you back and I know that my life was forever changed by the effortless generosity of your heart.

Are you gone?

I do not believe I can answer that question. In my heart I can still feel your presence, the unique fingerprint of your kindness and attention. It still feels as though someday we will be standing in the very same room as one another, catching up on life and all the things that we have done with ourselves. I could be poetic but all I can do is honestly express how I feel in this happy moment, a moment in which I cannot help but remember being in your jeep as you sped along the pacific coast highway at a time of night which was well past my fourteen year old curfew. I remember looking up at you as I thought about how amazing you were and how much I admired you for all that you had given me and all that you were giving the world. There was thunder that night and every time it crashed its shockwave shook that old yellow jeep as though it were paper. I had never realized that thunder could have such an impact and now I find myself thinking the very same thing about you, really about kind hearted people in general.

I cry now when I see a photograph of you or hear about the brilliant things you were doing with your life. But I also laugh because in those moments it feels as if all the love and kindness you put out into this world - even the righteous anger you felt toward the oppression of so many others who were less fortunate - has not yet been diminished. I do not believe that it ever will be either, and although I cannot answer the question of whether or not you are gone ... there is some part of me that remains happy - while still honoring the loss as your example taught me to do - which believes the impact of your life will never be lost to the world. It will always remain, standing beside those of us who love you and were fortunate enough to have known you while lifting up those who still need the helping hand which your heart has always offered. Maybe it is an inappropriate poeticism but like the thunder which shook things that I once believed could not be shook, your life and love will reverberate forever and continue to help change lives and worlds for the better. We all love you and we all miss you, and I believe that we all will see you again. If not in spirit then in action taken to improve this world for all. Because that is where you have always lived most valiantly.