one year tonight (at some time in the wee hours)

Bro, little bro, here we are at the turn of a year. I can't believe it. Can't believe so many things. Still - still/forever - can't believe you're gone. I've given up on even hoping to believe that, ever. But along with that acceptance also comes the realization that I don't ever have to let you go. Screw that. You're in my heart, my head, my life, forever.

I was in a yoga class the other night and during one of the poses, the teacher said "Turn your gaze skyward" which is not only a lovely way to say "look up", but it made me really smile and be comforted (in this difficult week, this lead-up to this "anniversary") to think that every time I look up, I'm looking "Sky-ward." Cuz I feel you up there, baby bro.

I've learned so much from you. This has been the worst, unimaginably horrific year ever. But it's also been the year of greatest learning. From you, from your pain and anguish, I've learned to find joy. From your worry and terror, I've learned some measure of acceptance. From your leaving - your unthinkable, devastating, soul-shredding leaving - I've learned, sweet boy, to live. To live, live, live, goddamnit. To love this precious life we have. Is that the gift you left behind? I'd give it all up to have you back, but I'm nonetheless deeply grateful for it.

Oh, baby, what you lost when you left this world. So much love. You were loved. You are loved. And, my god, are you ever missed.

God, do I miss you being in the world. A prayer to wherever you are:  lokah samastah, sukhino bhavantu. I pray that you have found peace, at last.

Loving you forever,

still grieving but keepin' on,

Your Big Sister who is gonna WHUP your ass when I see you. Count on it.

hugs to wherever,

Eve